More tests, waiting rooms and doctors to see. More X-rays, scans and needles to go through. More medical jargon, looks of pity and sadness have been thrown my way. This has been my life since the 26th of December. This is now my “normal”. Cancer has somehow come to define me. It has stolen my identity and claimed it as it’s own. for I am lost and Cancer is all you see. It has claimed its stake on my tear-stained cheeks and in puffy red eyes. Within my soul, it is growing, taking over all of me.
I have undergone countless tests to see if this dreaded monster has spread and thankfully it hasn’t!! It has been contained within the right breast. I know I should rejoice in this small victory, but to be celebrating this is almost as if I am disregarding the fact that there is a bloody huge tumour still growing within me. Yet, I am grateful that I’m not riddled with the stuff!! trying to remain somewhat positive … even if I fail at it 99.9% of the time. I’m sure the 0.01% will begin to shine through. (It has to, right?)
Massive decisions have had to be made regarding my health and well being. Ones that will (i’m sure) only benefit me in a positive way. I have spent countless hours tossing and turning, churning over all possible options. Chatting with my family, friends and of course taking advice from my doctors as to what is best for me to do, at this time. It’s never easy deciding whether you want to chop off one breast or two. It’s like deciding between a lifelong supply of red or white wine!?! These answers don’t just come to you overnight!!
And so the journey through mountains of stats, chats and messy, ugly crying. Filled with gut-wrenching sobs that have ripped me apart inside. I have decided that I am going to go through a bi-lateral mastectomy. I’m losing my boobs, my titties, my girls. They both have to go, because if one stays; the risk of me getting cancer is ridiculously higher than if I say farewell to them both and welcome in a brand new (fingers-crossed) fabulous new pair. Thus, my mastectomy will coincide with a full reconstruction. The surgery will be long, the recovery another battlefield I will have to cross – but i will fight! I will push on, i will not give up.
Surgery won’t be the end of the fight though, as I will have to endure a further 6 months to a year of chemotherapy. This news was like a sucker punch to my gut. How?! I mean really 2018 is this is what you have to offer me? A year of hospital visits, doctors rooms, nausea and losing my hair! Things are really, really not looking up – surely they have to fucking turn around. I mean cooommeee onnnnnn life, give me a break, please!!
But through this all, through all my pain, through Cancer robbing me of my “New Year, New Me” nonsense; I have been so showered with love! It’s been overwhelming. I am loved and cared for! I really couldn’t want or more.
My brother sent me a song (Follow the Sun by Xavier Rudd) with these lyrics that are pushing me forward. Encouraging me.
” follow, follow the sun.
Which way the wind blows,
When this day is done.
Breathe, breathe in the air.
Set your intentions,
Dream with care.”
unravelingmystory 